I sometimes wonder about atheist and the fact that their mechanical universe just doesn't exist.

I sometimes look at the titles of other Humanities scholar's work, for instance, "A Semiotic Analysis of the Short Stories of Leonid Andreev" by Stephen Hutchings (see here) and I wonder where it all went wrong. I wonder why some people's titles are just grander than mine, "The Literary Career of Fíthal". It always gives the impression that they do more important work than I do.

I just want this to be over.

Academics is a writing business. I suck at writing. Therefore, I should have stayed away from Academia. That is all.

I left something off from my last post which I think is important. My writing is crap and always has been. Now, this might be because the Washington State school system is also crap. However, I believe it stems from a lack of talent on my part. Some people just have the talent for writing and others just do not. Academic writing has always seem to allude me as a style. Hell, look at this blog itself for the last six years. I am not what you would call the next great American writer.

My last flatmate was in the education department and is getting her PhD in education. She and I had a few blazing rows about this. She thinks that it is a skill that can be developed and I think it is a talent that you either have or do not have. After a certain amount of time attempting to teach writing, it is useless to attempt any more. On that note, reading more does not make you a better writer, only a better reader. In the end, that is what I am, a good reader. As my supervisor found out, if you speak to me about something, I am great but the moment you want me to write about it, it turns to complete crap. No amount of time or revision will fix that. I have hit the limits of my ability or more importantly, I have risen to the level of my incompetence. Beyond this, there is no improvement. Thus, for me, an academic career is a bridge too far.

When not in abject depression over the continuing no news about what is going on with my PhD, I have given some thought to what I will do next. Honestly, I have a software engineering job now and my supervisor is attempting to put together funding for a project but it has absolutely nothing to do with my PhD and does nothing for publications within my own field. In addition, all they want me to do is design a database, which is mostly easy-peasy grunt work for anyone who knows a modicum of database theory.

In the end, I have bills to pay and my software engineering job is there and willing to pay me a living wage (as opposed to an academic's wage). Also, I never had enough confidence in my skills to attempt to publish anything. I have not thought about writing since December and in reality, I have not put finger to keyboard in an academic sense in a very long time. I don't want to do conference papers because of a lack of confidence (do YOU want to have an entire room full of people judge on everything from your paper to what shoes you wore? On top of that, early Irish has some of the most ferocious and cold hearted people in academia in it. No, thank you). On top of that, I don't have any inspiration at the moment to write about. I guess I want something positive to come out of academia before I put one more ounce of effort into it.

I have not been writing in this space recently because I am desperately unhappy. I should never have come to Scotland; I should never have thought about doing a PhD; I should never have gone to the University of Edinburgh. I have made a life shattering mistake and now I will pay for it for the rest of my natural life. There is no going forward; there is no going back. I am in a prison of my own making and unless I have a massive change in fortune, which is so unlikely to be a miracle, I will toil away with no chance of happiness ever again. I am sorry to everyone.

If there is anyone out there thinking of doing a Humanities major at a university (any university), I will give you some unsolicited advice. DO NOT DO IT; IT IS A WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND MONEY. Go back to school; learn your math and do a hard science like Physics, Chemistry, or Mathematics. ANY HARD SCIENCE WILL DO. The humanities is full of narcissists and posers. They do not actually know anything. Theory as applied in the Humanities is full of shit. This also applies to anything that attempts to blow smoke up your ass by calling itself a "social science" (hint: there is no such thing). They do not know what they are doing but will use a million words to attempt to convince you otherwise.

For the love of god take my advice, it is for your good and the good of Humanity. If you are thinking of going to University in the Humanities, DO SOMETHING USEFUL WITH YOUR LIFE INSTEAD.